On the subject of bullying…

On the subject of bullying…

I was killing sometime online tonight (like I always do) and I came across a video a friend shared on Facebook called Whats goin on…  The video, which you can see below tells the story of Jonah, a boy who now in the eighth grade has been bullied almost daily since he was in the first grade.  He began cutting in second grade, and he now has scars covering much of his upper body.

As I watched the video I was almost brought to tears.  As a father of two four year olds that are nearing school age, I worry about the world they are entering.  I worry that the words of some bully could be enough to take them from me through suicide or some other terrible act, and the thought of that terrifies me.  As I went to share the video on Facebook I wrote how sad the video was and began to say, “WTF is wrong with the world today?  Bullying wasn’t like this when I was a kid”.  But then I stopped for a moment, and I began writing this blog post.

The Shift in Bullying

Has bullying really gotten worse since I was growing up in the 80’s and 90’s, or has the social medium and media attention simply given those who have been bullied a louder voice, which leads us to believe it’s worse?  As I write this I remember a time when I was in junior high when I found myself curled up in a ball bawling in the middle of the street because a group of people I grew up with and called “friends” had bullied me to a breaking point.  To a point where I was so upset that all I could do was break down.  I don’t remember what was said, or what happened leading up to that, but I remember the breaking point.  I am 31, and I can still remember that point vividly.  It’s not the words, or the actions that stick with you, it’s the pain.

So I ask again.  Has it really gotten worse?

The Societal Crossroads

I then started to thing about other factors.  Are kids these days more sensitive? Are kids these days meaner?  If for some reason it has gotten worse, what’s made it worse?  I started to look at the big picture and one thing in particular stood out.

Our society is at a crossroads right now.  There is a movement fighting for equal rights for homosexuals and with it more and more of society is letting people young and old know that it’s ok to be gay.  Yet on the other hand there is a large sect of Americans that are against this.  They believe marriage is a religious right and not a human right.  They believe that homosexuality is a sin, an abomination.  Sometimes these beliefs are so hard coded into their being that they fuel hate and anger.  Could this crossroads be the cause of an increase in bullying, if it is in fact worse?

In Jonah’s video he holds up cards that say, “A lot of people hate me…I don’t know why…But I guess I do.  Cuz I kinda hate me too…Gay. Fag. Dick. Douche. Homo. Asshole…”  Jonah doesn’t state whether or not he is homosexual, but you’ll notice that three of the six insults listed on the card are slang for homosexuals.  Could the epidemic of hatred against homosexuals be fueling even more bullying?  Could many of our youth be getting targeted as homosexuals even if they aren’t, and in turn the bullying is in fact worse and therefore more widespread?  It’s possible.

Whats Goin On…

What is going on?  Jonah asks a great question, and right now it’s hard to tell.  Are things getting worse for our youth or has technology simply given them a place to be heard?  I like the think it’s the latter.  At least then I have hope that there is in fact some hope for these kids.  Maybe all they need is to be heard.  Maybe all they need is a community to tell them it gets better.  Jonah has received an outcry of support in his YouTube comments, but is that enough?  I can’t help but think that if he was being bullied to the degree he made it sound that this ability to share his feelings, cry on camera, and try and show his strength would only set him up for more ridicule and bullying.  Does technology empower him, or endanger him?  I really don’t know.

What I do know is that whether it’s worse, or the same as when I was growing up, or even when my parents were growing up we have to teach our children to rise above it.  As parents we must be supportive and instill confidence in our children at a much younger age.  We must not be judgmental and now more than ever you need an honestly policy with your kids that instills a relationship of trust so that if they get to a breaking point they know they can come to you if needed.   Because if they can’t reach out to you, they may be reaching out to the knife, the razor blade, or worse a gun.

 

7 thoughts on “On the subject of bullying…

  1. Mike

    I don’t see any other comments on this post just yet, but I sincerely hope it strikes a chord with folks.

    Bullying in any shape or form is absolutely unacceptable. There is just know call to tear someone down with words and actions.

    I grew up in a small town about six decades ago. While we didn’t have the bullying that is identified today, we did have our town bullies.

    Most of the conflict at that time was between those that were more academic minded and those that were more physically inclined. I fell in the more academic side, but then my class size was 3.

    For me, most of the bullying was name calling and maybe some intimidating action. Even name calling came from adults but was not a derogatory type of name calling.

    Somehow I was able to maintain an awareness of my own self worth and I got through each day one day at a time.

    One redeeming factor was when we had to go to the county seat town to get polio shots (see how long ago that was) and the town bully had to ride with us. Can you imagine how I felt when the bully was reduced to tears when he saw that “big” needle coming at him?

    But, stop and think about it. We dump our kids with sitters when they are pre-school so they spend more time with those outside the family than with those within where they can get an affirmation of their self worth.

    We then take and dump them in the narrow end of the funnel into the teeming mass of strangers called students. If relationships are not formed quickly you will then be an outsider with little chance of joining the “in” crowd.

    With teachers handicapped in how much they can intervene or even show compassion, it is no wonder students have a difficult time convincing themselves of their self worth.

    Then when they get home, it is chores, a fight over homework, and maybe even doing tasks that mom or dad should be doing. Consequently, there is little or no reinforcement.

    Also, when a problem is identified, it is usually mom or dad coming to the rescue on their white horse of calling those in authority rather than working with the child to find a solution.

    A long response, but society needs to wake up. Anonymous bullying through texting, social media, etc. is only going to get worse.

    1. Wedndell,

      I’m glad you bring up the family dynamic and the pressures our influences our kids have growing up. I had a whole section written on this that I removed from the post because I felt it was irrelevant to the point I was trying to make, but I do feel that the family dynamic has an impact on our kids.

      The dual income household does find many of our kids dealing with outsiders for direction or comfort and not the family unit that was once there. If anything many of our youth find themselves raising themselves. How many parents dump their kids to be alone instead of a sitter after a “reasonable” age to save a buck.

      That’s a topic for a whole other blog post, but you’re right, parents aren’t playing a big enough role in solving the bullying epidemic. If anything they want to pass it off to the teachers, the school, or another parent than solve the problem themselves. Thank you for your comment!

  2. Social media is just a means for communication. Inherently, it is neither good or bad. It can be used as a source of help and outreach, but also can serve as a vehicle for hate and intolerance. I’ll concede that social media presents it’s own set of challenges in terms of bullying – such as a lack of supervision or understanding from parents, but ultimately, it’s our morality as individuals that guides how this medium is used and controlled.

    Kids just want to to feel loved, appreciated, and valued. Actually, let me rephrase – all humans want to feel loved, appreciated, and valued. Kids – some adults as well – sometimes just don’t get the affirmation they need, either from friends, peers, co-workers, teachers, and especially parents.

    Sadly, what I think goes on in schools and in society in general is that when it comes down to a choice of genuinely caring about the well being of another person versus the need to follow a false ideal of social convention, being seen as “socially normal” will win out 90% of the time. It is incumbent on us who are aware of these issues to tear away the restraints of social convention and genuinely start giving a shit about the people in our lives, not just our kids, but our neighbors, peers, co-workers, and friends.

    I guarantee you, if we all went through our days making the people we encounter feel appreciated – bullies especially – the bullying problem – along with many others would solve themselves.

    “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” – Yoda

    Bullies want to be loved as well. Ask Darth Vader.

  3. Mike, Thanks for writing this blog article. I just wanted to share a couple of thoughts. I sent you a Google+ request as well, as I would like to discuss some action items with you in the near future.

    It appears that this issue is focused on the homosexual issue, when I think it lies much deeper than that. It’s not the fact that we are bullying others because of their sexual orientation, but the fact that we are bullying other HUMANS in the first place.

    I truly believe that all kids should be taught that “What others think of you is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS”. I know that phrase can be taken wrong if not analyzed, but in reality, what Jonah is just starting to figure out is that he is the only person in the world that can choose his next thought. NO ONE on the planet has that ability over us. It’s our thoughts that we think most often that become our beliefs, which drive our actions, which in turn get our results. It’s actually Biblical! “As a man thinketh in his heart, so it he”.

    It starts at home, just like Wendell stated and gets supported in the classroom. Those teachers are actually the primary care givers to these kids. They spend more time with these kids than the parents/guardians.

    It’s time that we create some curriculum or programs that can help kids like Jonah realize that there are a ton of out here that are damn glad he’s on the planet, regardless of his skin color, sexual preference, etc.

    I’m open to some other dialogue via Skype if anyone is interested. You can contact me via Google+

    Take care and thanks again.

    Scott

    1. Thanks for your feedback Scott. I covered the homosexuality angle here not because I think it’s the only reason kids are being bullied, but as a reason that perhaps bullying is more widespread than it once was, if that is actually the case.

      As I mentioned in my response to Wendell, there was a whole other section to this post originally that explored the parental unit, the social pressures, the life pressures that are on our kids these days that weren’t on kids when I was growing up. Another element that keeps coming up from other readers is the element on cyberbullying, which is a whole other beast in and of itself. Again, something I didn’t touch on here.

      My goal was to explore the question, Is bullying actually worse, or has technology and the media allowed it to surface more? I also wanted to explore what may be making it worse if that is in fact the case. Which is where the homosexuality issue came into play.

      You bring up some great points, and I am one to believe that nothing has power over you unless you let it, however that doesn’t mean that things people say or do can’t be hurtful or harmful.

  4. I appreciate you writing this article. I am in total agreement that homosexuality has fueled the flamed even higher. I’m seeing it at my daughter’s high school right now. It’s a hot topic.

    I’m looking forward to discussing this more with you.

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